My name is Sway Dench, I’m owner and creator of Sway’s.
I thought a lot about this, what to write about. I wrote a lot and trashed it again. It was not good. Now I have 3 days left and I am still in front of a blank paper.
If you asked me to describe myself in 3 words, I would say: “honest, straightforward and optimistic.”
Lately I thought a lot about this. Am I really honest, straightforward and optimistic? I know I was. There was a time I was very self-confident. I did not care what others thought or said about me. But I’m not that person anymore, a lot has changed. If your life is good, when you are happy, successful and loved, it is very easy to be all this. But do you want people to know that you are not successful, unhappy and feel unlovable? I don’t want people to think that about me. It would make me seem vulnerable and weak. It would make me a loser.
But here I am… writing about all this feelings and thoughts, being honest.
I’m almost 7 years in SL. I don’t feel like it’s another life, I do not have a second and a real life. I have one life and SL is a part of it, an extension. By coincidence I came to SL and soon it became the balance to my RL job. Building, being creative, meeting people from all over the world, it gave me a good feeling in a time when my RL wasn’t so great. I was struggling with agoraphobia (I still do sometimes), it was hard to leave the house. SL has helped me to go out again. Why? Hmm… I met people and was able to talk to them without panic attacks, because I was alone and safe in front of my computer. That gave me the courage to try it in RL.
I don’t want to write a novel, and you all know my English is way too bad to do so. So I will fast-track a little. SL became my job. I blame the economy but I am not mad. I love what I am doing. Nobody is talking about money and despite all honesty I will not start with it. I’m just saying it would not hurt to have some more. I am modest and I don’t need much but it would just let me sleep better.
I have had many good experiences in my life, real and second. And I have had a bunch of bad ones.
People took advantage of me and let me think they were my friends but only as long as they had a benefit. I do not have many friends or people I trust. I made a not so good decision in my private life which I had to bring back in order quickly. I had to move several times and then I became sick. I had four surgeries in 4 years and each was more serious than the others. In all this time, no matter if there was a friend or not I always had my work in SL. It was constant, for a long time the only constant in my life.
I was afraid to lose it and was overwhelmed when I saw how people, friends and strangers in SL helped me to go through a very hard time. I am still not as I was before, some weeks ago my doctor told me that I have depression. It comes from the long recovery time I still need after the brain surgery in February. I have no idea how to handle it. People expect me to be fine, to be back to normal, to be as I was before. But I am not. I see you all in motion. You come up with new things, new ideas. You all are so creative and inspired. I always feel like a burden, like the 5th wheel. I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t forgive myself for my mistakes and I feel guilty when I am not doing 100%. I always have the feeling others are better and what I do is not good enough.
I feel like I am inside a fish tank, watching the world around me in action but I am stuck.
And that brings me to the other word of my self-description: straightforward. The handful of friends I have left I don’t want to lose. That’s why I am not really straight anymore. So here I go, to my only RL female friend: You never have time, I always have to listen to your problems, you just call when you need me to help you, you never ask how I feel. Also some SL friends, why do you tell me we are friends when you never talk to me? We don’t really know each other. You tell me how often you talk to others and how much you hang out with others, never with me. That gives me the feeling you don’t like me. So why do you say I am your friend?
Some time ago, I would not count you among my friends after all this but now I do because I don’t have many left. I learned something a while back and I remember now. “I am better alone rather than together with the wrong person.”
So I will try to be straightforward again and if you don’t like me that way, then don’t. And, to be very straightforward, I would love to have some more friends, people who really want to know me, who really want to hang out not just because they want my new release for free or because they need a hand for a move.
Well, this was honest and straightforward. Believe me: I am not sure if it is a good thing to write this or to show this to anyone. Maybe I will regret it someday. I am in a weird life situation and I am not sure if it’s me who wants to tell this or the depression. Maybe this is my way to tell what’s inside of me, maybe this is a way to clear the air, to let it out and when it’s out I can go on.
The last word of my self-description is optimistic and at the moment the most important of these 3 words for me. I am still, always was and always want to be optimistic. Life is great no matter what. I am happy to be here — and I mean with everything. All the good and bad experiences I made, all the good and bad people I met. All of it made me the person I am and I don’t want to be someone else. I love my life!
Hey, you made it to the end of my muddled thoughts.
In the beginning, I said I trashed some of what I have written because it was not good. Well I don’t think this is better, but it’s all I can do and it is honest. I hope it makes sense…